It only took me $274.62 and six years to figure out how to use Google.

On the week that I’d turned 15, I’d just got my first outright phone and phone plan.

On the month that I’d turned 15 and one month, I’d just received my first ever phone bill.

On that very same month, I cried like a little baby because of my $274.62 phone bill on my already pricey $30/month rollover plan.

I’d hate to get too deep on you, but the question of “who am I” is just way too deep.

So I leave that for Google to answer:

Find out who you truly are using google.

It only took me an additional 6 years to figure out how the flip “BUDDY” worked. You might know of alternative text messaging services that do the same thing (Jerry knows, Fongo knows, Bongo knows).

But now “Ryan knows”.

Basically these texting services use Boolean search methods to find something out about you and shock you.

The service is targeted more-so at teenagers, who seem to be a bit more gullible and not understand the vulnerability of their online status and privacy. Similar to golden shorts me.

It turns out, that one of my friends used to work for one of these companies. Let’s just call him Tom. In just a few minutes, Tom was able to draw a few things up about me. By using some really basic search tactics he searched for this:

Get to know me in .56 seconds, in possibly 177 different ways.

From drawing on the search results, he’d then reply to the text message with something along the lines of “BUDDY knows that Ryan loves a good disco and representing his Deakin hockey team as the coach and manager. He also knows that *insert females name found from looking at my Facebook friends list* has a bit of a crush on him, more?”.

The service works that so whenever Tom replies to a text within a set time frame, and whether the sender replies asking for more information, he received a percentage of the text message cost ( a whopping $4.50 per text).

So gullible-golden shorts Ryan obviously would have his brain blown out of his head. How can somebody know so much about me!? So golden-shor… I mean Ryan would obviously reply with

Tom would reply either with something else that he’d discover from the search, or say something like

“BUDDY saw Ryan along Highbury Rd, with a protein shake in one hand and his phone on Instagram posting a gym selfie in a revealing singlet”

Tom would gather this by just having a squiz at Google Maps ( if need be) and realise that a road close to Deakin university that the odds are that Ryan would’ve travelled along at some stage in the last possible month.

“I’d just keep them hanging in there”

“We’d just smash in a road because kids don’t make the connection”

Using brief bits of information, Tom would paint BUDDY as a sketchy guy who has been following you, but you’ve never noticed when, nor where you’d been followed.

Little illusive bits of messages just kept me texting and texting, not about myself, but about my crushes, about my friends, my family, and friends. Who; at the ripe age of 15, also were around that same age bracket.

I mean yeah sure, Boolean searching extends much further past a few quotation marks. It’s just so good to reflect on my first ever experience, and to realise teenage me was ridiculously uneducated about the internet, and more-so gullible..

But now six years later, $274.62 plus the $4.50 I just spent using BUDDY knows because I’m a big child. I know who BUDDY’s daddy is, and I know what he does.

About as accurate as BUDDY knows. 

Twitter @ryjclay

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